Finding Peace

I have been in tears for the better part of today, but if I'm being honest, I have been in tears for the better part of the last month. In the bathroom when I have a second away from kids, in the car when I'm going to pick up my oldest from school and the other two are quietly snacking (on real food or whatever they can shove in their mouths to occupy the space and silence), and again, in the car when I have a moment to myself. Again, as I sit on my bed re-reading old letters and notes from her, searching for the words "I love you," and letting the tears fall again once I've found those magic words. In a puddle when I find not only the 3 words every human longs to hear from their grandparent, but when I also find words like "he would be proud of you," or "you are so thoughtful," or, the ones that pain me a little more, "thank you for loving this old woman so much." In those last words, I know that she knew I loved her with my whole ...

Looking for mice at Cheam Wetlands. My sweet darling boy, you are three and I just don't know how it is possible that you have only been in our lives for 3 years. It seems impossible that the amount of love we have for you has only accumulated in 3 years, because it feels like a lifetime's worth. If I was asked to choose ONE word to describe you, it would be JOY. You are just.full of it...joy and other things, to be honest, but joy is the big one. Riley, you make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me want to be the best that I can for you. My favorite Riley words these days are, "Mommy, I want you to lay with me." "Can you play with me, Mommy?" "I love YOU, Mommy." "I love you more, Mommy." You call toys and boys "tays" and "bays," and it is adorable. You bring me Layla's baby monitor when it is beeping and say, "here is the thermonitor Mommy," and I just can't bare to correct you. Darling...