Finding Peace

 Music has always been my thing. It has been my coping mechanism, a healthier crutch than other mechanisms that might numb the pain. I can usually find a song, or a genre to help move me through the uncomfortable feelings and to help my heart and my mind to rest. Sometimes my heart and my fingertips have even rested on the "nostalgie" station on the tv; who knew that there would be times in my life that called for mellow French music? Today I was faced with a first. I was stumped and could not land on a song that did what it was supposed to do, and to be quite honest, it left me in a bit of a panic. I am not a person who feels anything part way; never have been and probably never will be. I feel things with every part of me and sometimes it is a blessing and sometimes it is a curse. If we are friends you know that I have felt every joy and pain with you. I have been ecstatic at every first date you went on (Angie Robson, we have the dorm room under the door notes to prove...

My Dear Sweet Nanny, you left us on Friday, May 17th, 2019, and I am doing my best to hold it together, like you always did, but I am not sure I and doing it quite as well as you. I don't have that "Watson" gene where we hold it together, feel it on the inside but never let it out. I am my Mom on this one, and that's ok. I have never been more thankful for my three darling babies who bring me the greatest joy of my life and force me to move on with things, but also I have never been more thankful for a husband who walks in the door at the end of the day, takes care of our kids and lets me fall to pieces for a moment. Dear Nanny, today has been an interesting, ridiculously hard, and emotional day, as have the days before, but today was different. Today an irrational sadness has settled in surrounding all of the things that will no longer be. Today I am picturing you and Papa standing beside our car, waving goodbye until our car was out of sight, as we sat...

Sweet darling girl, you are 11 months old and you are a GIFT. This week Mama is getting ready to go back to work for the end of the school year and we are preparing ourselves to potentially see a side of you that we have not seen before. You have been struggling to get to sleep this week, and to be in anyone's arms but mine. Last night we put our patience to the test and tried to let you sort yourself out and fall asleep on your own, like you have always done in the past, but it wasn't happening for you. When Mommy finally when in and picked you up, you were sad. You were taking deep breaths trying to catch your breath, you had my shirt in your fist and your arms wrapped around me as tight as could be, and I didn't want to let you go. As I rocked you and rocked you, listening to your breath grow deeper and your body grow heavier, I was certain you were asleep. When I placed my lips on your forehead to give you a kiss, I saw that you weren't sleeping, in fact your ey...