Finding Peace

When I wrote about my mind being able to rest (rather, of it's inability to rest) yesterday, there were other things on my mind, but I thought that maybe they didn't matter so much anymore, but they do. Currently, it is on a daily basis that I tell myself that "it" just doesn't matter anymore, that there is no use wasting energy on it, emotion on it, effort on it, that it just doesn't matter anymore. How many times do you think a person would have to repeat that to themselves before they should be able to believe it? Isn't that how it is supposed to work? That you can make things BE with the way that you think about them, or with reminders to yourself, that you should be able to have the power to control the things that take over your mind? It isn't so, as much as I wish for it to be so. Currently, it is on a daily basis that I check the mail thinking that this time there has to be something from them in there. That they have had enough time t...

To answer that question, the mind in question is mine, and no, it does not rest. Ever. I don't always consider it a bad thing, in fact I don't usually, but as I logged on here to write, write, write, I am having trouble narrowing it down to what I actually to want to write about. I just needed to write. Over the last few weeks there have been things that I have thought in depth about, but didn't really think they warranted a blog post. Look at me, trying categorize me own thoughts as worthy, or unworthy! We had our 20 week ultrasound a week and half or so ago, and that was very exciting, so exciting to be able to see the nose and the lips in such detail! We decided to not find out the sex, and that has brought forth a lot of "what ifs." Oooooh, if it's a girl, then......or Oh man, it would be so fun to have a boy to do this with... I have been wondering what I would do with a teenage girl who came to her Mom in love with a man just like her Daddy. What woul...

Sitting on the Dock of the Bay - Otis Redding We had scheduled this weekend months in advance, and crossed our fingers that the weather would hold up for us, and boy did it ever! I know that I have written about the cabin before, as it is a place we spent much of our childhood exploring, with our family, with our cousins, aunts, and uncles, and Nanny and Papa. It is special, and I have so many memories there. It is so much of who I am, and so much of who my husband and I have become together. It is where Brady proposed to me, because without the use of words, he understands its importance, in both my past, and my future. Even though Brady and I only started using the cabin together a few years ago, he was the first boyfriend that I ever took there, and he instantly adored it, as I knew that he would - and even though it is a relatively new part of our relationship, I feel like it is a place that says who much about who we are as a couple, and who we plan to be as a famil...

This weekend I participated in a walk for depression and mental illness, a walk to mostly raise awareness, but also to raise funds for such an important cause. This was the first year the walk had been done in Agassiz, and the first of many years that I will participate. Next year I will do a much better job of fundraising. This year I only sent emails and posted on facebook. I was so lucky to have 3 people (2 family, one family friend) donate to the cause, but as happy as I was that these three people were willing to help out, I couldn't help but think that for the three years that I did the Weekend to End Women's Cancers, I was able to raise over $2000 each year, and this year I raised $125 for depression and mental illness. As I said, I did not do my share of fundraising events, but it also says a lot about what this illness means to the majority of the people - or more, that it doesn't really mean much to most people, and I guess it wouldn't, until it is a huge part...

  I Wished on the Moon - Billie Holiday I tried to begin this post today with a mindless show, that I love, on in the background. It couldn't be done. I had to turn the t.v. off, turn itunes on, and scroll through the music to find just the kind before I began to "write." I ended up with Billie Holiday (link above.)  I think that is one of the great things about blogging. It takes you out of your world, out of the mindless and into your own mind for at least a few minutes in the day, and that doesn't happen enough these days! This song is actually quite perfect, a well as a dozen others that I could have chosen. It is quite an amazing time these days. On May 5th Brady and I went for our "dating" ultrasound, we were just past the first trimester so were pretty excited to see how photogenic our little critter was becoming! It turns out that he/she is currently a little bit of extraterrestrial mixed with a little bit of frog - and his/her parents couldn...

The Story- Brandi Carlile My best friend sent me this song a couple of weeks after her brother, my good friend, committed suicide - because she felt like it was the perfect song for his and I's relationship. She never explained why she felt like it was such a fitting song for Mike and I, but sometimes you don't even know, you just hear a song, the lyrics, the music, the power, and it is just meant for you, or for someone else. Maybe that is it. Maybe she knew the depth of her brother and I's friendship more than I knew she did- maybe she knew me better than I had even thought, and she thought that this was how I feel? I am not sure. I will never know, and will probably never ask, because lyrics are often meant to say things to people that we can't say ourselves. I didn't know this side of Jen until after Mike left. We sent a few songs back and forth to eachother, not many, because that is never the point, but we sent the ones that we happened to hear, and th...

It is simply unfair the pain and struggle that some people must endure in their lives. A friend from highschool passed away suddenly and tragically on Wednesday. We did not stay close after highschool, after he moved away, got married very young, and started a family. Thankfully, facebook allowed us to reconnect several years ago. Sadly, Darren's story is too similar to Mike's story. They both married fairly young (Darren, quite young), they both struggled in their marriages, with their illnesses and to feel free and comfortable to be just who they were, and to be accepted being just who they were. They both had children - Darren had two little boys, Owen and Max, and Mike had sweet Hannah. They both struggled with mental illness and were finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. They were both married to women who struggled to deal with all that bipolar entails, and struggled with how to handle the behaviours themselves, and how to keep their children safe. But of all of the ...