Things past


I have been hit with a landslide of emotions these last few days, about Mike, about regrets, about decisions made - some positive, some not lived out.
I got engaged only six months after my friend took his own life. I found the wedding planning to be a bit of an escape for me, acutally, now I see that it was a near total escape, from feeling any more. Not a day has gone by that he hasn't been in my thoughts, but with wedding planning there are so many other things taking up parts of my mind that nothing was given full control over my thoughts. But I had stupidly thought, up until a couple of weeks ago, that the wedding had been a blessing to occupy me and help me to cope a little bit better with things.  I didn't cry so much, I wasn't overwhelmed with memories of him so much and I could get through. I thought that this was how things would be. But I was wrong.
All that it allowed me to do was to put him aside. To put my feelings aside, my rollarcoaster of emotions aside, and to focus all of my energy on something else. I didn't learn to cope with the enormous loss in small doses, what I did was not cope at all. And now that the wedding is over, and that time has passed, all of these memories and emotions have come back in full force. Not memory by memory, emotion by emotion, but all at once.  I had thought that I was doing so well, but I just wasn't "doing" at all.
These last weeks have brought me to today. The day when all regrets, all things left undone have arrived at my doorstep, bags packed, and ready to move in, rather, to move onto my chest and my shoulders. Why has this happened? I understand that I have allowed it to occupy my entire day, but what has led to this? I am indulging in self pity, and it is too damn much. I would have liked to think that I was a person who did not have regrets, when it comes to all things, not just Mike. I would have liked to think that I was a "go get it" kind of person, and maybe to some extent I am, but not to the extent I was meant for...if that makes sense. These regrets have surfaced, and I am not sure what do with them. Dig the hole a little bit deeper and bury them a little bit farther? They are things in the past, and don't "they" always say that you shouldn't live in the past? How do you deal with the regrets, manage them, and put them aside, because really, what are you to do with them now?

Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 17, 2012 at 3:59 PM

    I am just starting to read your older blogs Kelly so hear is all I can say about what you write in this. Grief is not self pity. Grief has no rules, grief has not been told yet that it only have five stages or seven stages or whatever the rules say. I think what you do is cry when you need to cry, scream, write, pray, listen to music, smash things, run.....whatever gets that feeling of anxiety where you feel you can't breathe one more breathe...out...just for a little while. Grief can't be run away from.....sometimes you can distract yourself from it for awhile...but it is indeed always going to be the elephant in the corner. Some grief just never goes away. Some regrets are the same. But it's life, it's what we get.........and it just sucks. xxx

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