Getting on with Life...

I remember always having this thing in the back of my head, from the time I was a teenager, that I wouldn't be able to have kids. That's kind of wierd, isn't it?
I knew from a young age that what I really wanted out of life was a family. As corny as it sounds, the dog in the back yard, the small house with the white picket fence. I remember Christmas at Nanny and Papa's, in their house that appeared to be small from the outside, but was so big and warm on the inside. I loved that house. But what it was about the Christmases were all the people, all the love, all the noise. I wanted that for my kids. Cousins, playing hockey on the side road, building snowmen, having snow fights. The family.
Yes, I knew I wanted to be a teacher at a pretty young age too, but ultimately, all I wanted was family. I don't know if I had a bad dream one night about being able to have kids or what it was that ultimately put that seed into my mind that I wouldn't be able to have kids, but it was always in the back of my mind. Which is strange, because I grew up with a lot of cousins, fertility was obviously never an issue, and it certainly wasn't for my Mom. But when one of my sisters had to try for 2 years, and ended up having to do in-vitro, I wondered if my fate would be the same. Then my other sister has now been trying for over a year, and it just isn't happening. To me, the odds of my having trouble are good now, even if my doctor says that my sisters having trouble does not mean the same for me.
We have been trying for 6 months, and have been pretty chill about it. Brady is chill for both of us sometimes, but for this, I have also been pretty calm.We started trying in June, and now it is January, and still nothing. In November I had what they called a "chemical pregnancy." We got pregnant, but lost it super early on. Most women who have these don't even know they were pregnant because it happens so early. But mine happened a couple of days after my period was expected, so I had gotten a positive test result, then it was gone.
We were not sad about it, because it was so early on. But then the following month, I was 6 days late. For a girl that has ALWAYS been like clockwork, it was hard to not get excited. But once again there was nothing to get excited about.
It is hard to shake that thought in my head. I really do my best at finding the positive side of things. When Mike died, I was shattered, but had a way of trying to twist so many of his situations so that there was a positive side.  And I feel like if I just keep telling myself it will happen, and that everything will be ok, then they will be. So that is what I am doing, and that is what Brady does too.
I just feel a little bit lost right now. That there just is not enough in my life. I made a decision to live at home this year and not apply for any positions for September, and this is been really great for Brady and I, but not so great for planning things and trying to LIVE our life the way that we want to. I just want more. So much more.