Family and Expectations
I spent time this morning (while Ava was/is napping) re-reading an old blog post that I decided not to publish, called Family and Expectations. I began writing that past post out of frustration, and after much thought, it became one of those angry letters that you just have to write, and then throw away because no good will ever come of it.
I re-read it today and it got me to thinking, is it appropriate to place expectations on family members? On parents, on children, on siblings, on in-laws? As I was reading the old post, my first thought was that it was not ok for me to have such high expectations for family- to expect certain things of them and to be disappointed or upset if expectations are not met. But on second thought, I think that we all probably, naturally, place expectations on people. Some are positive, some are negative, but I think that they are necesssary, in order to have the types of relationships with people that we need.
Brady and I now have a daughter of our own, and the whole idea of family expectations has been altered a little bit. I want to provide so many opportunities for Ava. Not things, but opportunities and experiences. Brady and I have always provided that for eachother. We have never been big on gifts for eachother, but we have always been HUGE on experiences, and adventures. Whether it is bungee jumping, ziplining, jumping off the stratosphere in Las Vegas, surfing in Florida, jumping in the Pacific on New Year's Day to wash away the past year and start anew, or packing up and leaving for the weekend, without knowing where we are headed - and not caring where we end up.
We want to provide that for Ava. We want to give her adventure and experience beyond what she could imagine - and because that is the way that Brady and I already live our lives, I think it will be ok for her to expect it. She will expect it because we will make it an important part of her life, and she will come to expect it.
I realize that this sounds a little bit as though we will be creating a daughter who "wants, wants, wants," but that is not where we are headed with this.
I grew up with parents who took us everywhere with them, who made plans to give us new experiences, and who experienced with us. I don't remember (although I am sure it happened a time or two?) going to Gramma and Grampa's or Nanny and Papa's because my Mom and Dad were going on some great adventure, just the two of them. Because their life was never to be just the two of them, at 18 years old, and they were happy with that. As a kid, we went to Disneyland, Mexico, Hawaii, skiing trips all over BC, weeks spent in Washington at Black Mountain. We went camping, we hiked, we explored - we had experience and adventure. And I don't remember ever begging Mom and Dad to please take us on a vacation. because it seemed as though, big or small, we were always experiencing new things. I don't remember ever being "spoiled" to the point of being a brat about my expectations.
I have always DREAMED of going to Cambodia, Thailand, and Vietnam. Dreamed, researched, bought and picked apart the travel guides, but never gone. When we planned to have a baby, and had Ava, there was never a thought in my mind that Brady and I wouldn't go to Cambodia now, but there was a thought in my mind about how cool it will be to take Ava to those places when she is ten.
I don't ever think that we won't get to go to Seattle and watch the Jays with Jen and James anymore, but I do think about how much fun it will be to have Ava, Gracie and Tessa hang out in Seattle together, making friendships, while their parents have another amazing experience together.
When I took a year off university to live in Calgary with a friend, and to work, the plan was to save and go to Australia for a year. That never happened, as my relationship with Ava's Daddy had some twists and turns, and it didn't work out. But now, we have Ava, and I am SO excited at the thought of doing a teacher exchange and letting Ava experience Australia for a year. I used to think that I missed out on that opportunity, but now I feel like that experience will only be that much richer because Ava will be there to share it with us.
I also understand the importance of making plans, of creating expectations, and of having to live up to them. It is important for Ava to know that when we make plans, and make promises, that means that they are going to happen. It is important for her to trust what we say and to KNOW that if we say it, we mean it, and that it is going to happen.
Our daughter is going to have a lifetime filled with experiences, and with adventures, because we tell her she will- so she will.
I re-read it today and it got me to thinking, is it appropriate to place expectations on family members? On parents, on children, on siblings, on in-laws? As I was reading the old post, my first thought was that it was not ok for me to have such high expectations for family- to expect certain things of them and to be disappointed or upset if expectations are not met. But on second thought, I think that we all probably, naturally, place expectations on people. Some are positive, some are negative, but I think that they are necesssary, in order to have the types of relationships with people that we need.
Brady and I now have a daughter of our own, and the whole idea of family expectations has been altered a little bit. I want to provide so many opportunities for Ava. Not things, but opportunities and experiences. Brady and I have always provided that for eachother. We have never been big on gifts for eachother, but we have always been HUGE on experiences, and adventures. Whether it is bungee jumping, ziplining, jumping off the stratosphere in Las Vegas, surfing in Florida, jumping in the Pacific on New Year's Day to wash away the past year and start anew, or packing up and leaving for the weekend, without knowing where we are headed - and not caring where we end up.
We want to provide that for Ava. We want to give her adventure and experience beyond what she could imagine - and because that is the way that Brady and I already live our lives, I think it will be ok for her to expect it. She will expect it because we will make it an important part of her life, and she will come to expect it.
I realize that this sounds a little bit as though we will be creating a daughter who "wants, wants, wants," but that is not where we are headed with this.
I grew up with parents who took us everywhere with them, who made plans to give us new experiences, and who experienced with us. I don't remember (although I am sure it happened a time or two?) going to Gramma and Grampa's or Nanny and Papa's because my Mom and Dad were going on some great adventure, just the two of them. Because their life was never to be just the two of them, at 18 years old, and they were happy with that. As a kid, we went to Disneyland, Mexico, Hawaii, skiing trips all over BC, weeks spent in Washington at Black Mountain. We went camping, we hiked, we explored - we had experience and adventure. And I don't remember ever begging Mom and Dad to please take us on a vacation. because it seemed as though, big or small, we were always experiencing new things. I don't remember ever being "spoiled" to the point of being a brat about my expectations.
I have always DREAMED of going to Cambodia, Thailand, and Vietnam. Dreamed, researched, bought and picked apart the travel guides, but never gone. When we planned to have a baby, and had Ava, there was never a thought in my mind that Brady and I wouldn't go to Cambodia now, but there was a thought in my mind about how cool it will be to take Ava to those places when she is ten.
I don't ever think that we won't get to go to Seattle and watch the Jays with Jen and James anymore, but I do think about how much fun it will be to have Ava, Gracie and Tessa hang out in Seattle together, making friendships, while their parents have another amazing experience together.
When I took a year off university to live in Calgary with a friend, and to work, the plan was to save and go to Australia for a year. That never happened, as my relationship with Ava's Daddy had some twists and turns, and it didn't work out. But now, we have Ava, and I am SO excited at the thought of doing a teacher exchange and letting Ava experience Australia for a year. I used to think that I missed out on that opportunity, but now I feel like that experience will only be that much richer because Ava will be there to share it with us.
I also understand the importance of making plans, of creating expectations, and of having to live up to them. It is important for Ava to know that when we make plans, and make promises, that means that they are going to happen. It is important for her to trust what we say and to KNOW that if we say it, we mean it, and that it is going to happen.
Our daughter is going to have a lifetime filled with experiences, and with adventures, because we tell her she will- so she will.
And that's all I have to say about that! For me, it's not even about expectations. You live your life the way you live it and your children will learn from you. I have no doubt that Ava's life will be full of adventures because, as you said, that is the way you and Brady like it. Lucky girl!
ReplyDelete