Thankfulness
This is a bit of a difficult post for me, at Thanksgiving this year. Over a month ago I found myself unable to walk, with a bulging disc, now healed, but replaced by Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction that is leaving my hips, bum, hamstrings and calves with pins and needles, numbness and searing pain most of the day, every day.
Days before it happened, I began a post on here about how dang grateful I was for everything and everyone in my life, after a great trip away at Black Mountain for the long weekend. That weekend I was starting to have some back pain (that bulge must have been starting to show itself) and was supported completely by my parents and sister and brother in law, as Brady was away and I had the three kids "on my own."
For the first two weeks, I was unable to do ANYTHING. I was mostly in bed or on the couch, unable to get up without much trial and error, finding myself stuck on the floor, or taking 15 minutes to go to the bathroom and change my clothes. Manageable perhaps if you don't have small children - cue a 5 year old, a two year old, and a three month old. I was finding myself in tears all through the day, unable to hold my sweet wee baby, to rock her to sleep, to pick her up, or to give her a bath, My sweet darling boy wanted nothing more than to be picked up when he would fall and hurt himself, when he would wake up in the night and need someone to snuggle him and I just couldn't do what he wanted me to do. My big girl had just started GRADE ONE, and I was unable to drop her off or pick her up, missing the excitement that comes with bursting out of the school at the end of the day, and I was finding myself completely disconnected from her school routine, from her teacher, and from her. She is an emotional girl, like her Mama, and even when she isn't using the words to tell me she's having a hard time, her tears, her exhaustion, and her attitude speak loudly.
On maternity leave, a time to soak up my babies and watch them grown, and literally had to sit back and watch them grow and change, while others did the work.
My darling husband became Mom and Dad, and over 4 weeks now, and he is still playing 2 roles. He is exhausted, physically and mentally, and there is nothing I can do.
I can let my body heal, I can do what the chiropractor and doctors say to do, I can go to my appointments, and I can offer love, support and snuggles from my spot on the couch. And it kills me.
So this weekend, Thanksgiving weekend, as the SI pain increased, and I found myself once again drowning in guilt, longing to have my babies back in the way that they need me and I need them, I had a hard time finding the "thanks," which is ridiculous. If there were EVER a time that I should be able to find the "thank you's" in this black heart of mine, it would be now, after 4 and a half weeks of relying on EVERYONE around me, to not only help me with my babies, to but to help ME!
So, thankful I am. Thankful to the friends who I would never have expected to show up for me like this, offering rides, creams/contraptions. Thankful to the chiropractors, massage therapists and doctors who are TRYING to help get rid of this pain, to my parents who have babysat my entire family for a full two weeks and after that, any day/time that we have needed. Thankful to all the babyholders. Thankful to my sisters and my brother, for their ears, their love, and their willing arms that hold my sweet baby.
I am thankful that my husband and I have jobs with benefits so that we don't have to pay for all of these chiro/massage/physio visits.
Mostly, I am thankful for my sweet babies, who know more patience than they ought to. Who don't hold it against me that I can't pick them up, or put them to bed every night, or get down on the floor and play with them, or, or, or....They love me for me, and what a thing that is.
I am confident that I am going to find myself drowning in guilt and pity again in my life, and man on man, is it a hard hole to crawl out of, when all you want to do is just LOVE the way that you were made to. I will try my BEST, not just on Thanksgiving, but on every other day, to find thanks in the small things.
Days before it happened, I began a post on here about how dang grateful I was for everything and everyone in my life, after a great trip away at Black Mountain for the long weekend. That weekend I was starting to have some back pain (that bulge must have been starting to show itself) and was supported completely by my parents and sister and brother in law, as Brady was away and I had the three kids "on my own."
For the first two weeks, I was unable to do ANYTHING. I was mostly in bed or on the couch, unable to get up without much trial and error, finding myself stuck on the floor, or taking 15 minutes to go to the bathroom and change my clothes. Manageable perhaps if you don't have small children - cue a 5 year old, a two year old, and a three month old. I was finding myself in tears all through the day, unable to hold my sweet wee baby, to rock her to sleep, to pick her up, or to give her a bath, My sweet darling boy wanted nothing more than to be picked up when he would fall and hurt himself, when he would wake up in the night and need someone to snuggle him and I just couldn't do what he wanted me to do. My big girl had just started GRADE ONE, and I was unable to drop her off or pick her up, missing the excitement that comes with bursting out of the school at the end of the day, and I was finding myself completely disconnected from her school routine, from her teacher, and from her. She is an emotional girl, like her Mama, and even when she isn't using the words to tell me she's having a hard time, her tears, her exhaustion, and her attitude speak loudly.
On maternity leave, a time to soak up my babies and watch them grown, and literally had to sit back and watch them grow and change, while others did the work.
My darling husband became Mom and Dad, and over 4 weeks now, and he is still playing 2 roles. He is exhausted, physically and mentally, and there is nothing I can do.
I can let my body heal, I can do what the chiropractor and doctors say to do, I can go to my appointments, and I can offer love, support and snuggles from my spot on the couch. And it kills me.
So this weekend, Thanksgiving weekend, as the SI pain increased, and I found myself once again drowning in guilt, longing to have my babies back in the way that they need me and I need them, I had a hard time finding the "thanks," which is ridiculous. If there were EVER a time that I should be able to find the "thank you's" in this black heart of mine, it would be now, after 4 and a half weeks of relying on EVERYONE around me, to not only help me with my babies, to but to help ME!
So, thankful I am. Thankful to the friends who I would never have expected to show up for me like this, offering rides, creams/contraptions. Thankful to the chiropractors, massage therapists and doctors who are TRYING to help get rid of this pain, to my parents who have babysat my entire family for a full two weeks and after that, any day/time that we have needed. Thankful to all the babyholders. Thankful to my sisters and my brother, for their ears, their love, and their willing arms that hold my sweet baby.
I am thankful that my husband and I have jobs with benefits so that we don't have to pay for all of these chiro/massage/physio visits.
Mostly, I am thankful for my sweet babies, who know more patience than they ought to. Who don't hold it against me that I can't pick them up, or put them to bed every night, or get down on the floor and play with them, or, or, or....They love me for me, and what a thing that is.
I am confident that I am going to find myself drowning in guilt and pity again in my life, and man on man, is it a hard hole to crawl out of, when all you want to do is just LOVE the way that you were made to. I will try my BEST, not just on Thanksgiving, but on every other day, to find thanks in the small things.
Comments
Post a Comment