Musical soulmates?
My dear friend, I am not sure if this is about you, or for you, or inspired by you, but whatever it is, it is you that is on my heart, and it is our "thing" that has me frayed and raw and motivated and angry and inspired all at once.
I forgot it was your birthday today, and it has been a shit week. Just shit. And I think the last time I talked to you about a shit week at work, you threatened/promised to show up at my class's field trip in a speedo, and there was my bit of light in the dark. I mean, gross light; but light nonetheless.
It has been a bit dark this week. I have been a bit dark. Lots on my heart, lots on my mind, and I'm a bit cloudy on the root.
Last week I discovered an artist who I can only imagine you knew already but never shared with me. And this friend/family of mine, who is more special than he could know shared some of his music with me, and we began to talk about music, which has not been part of our relationship, until I re-remembered a moment from my childhood. I was likely 12 or so, and he was my neighbour, and his family is my family, and I was over at his house. Somehow we shared this moment, as kids, where we were listening to Tracy Chapman and breaking down a song; I think it was Fast Car, and I remember knowing in that moment that what was happening was special, but I don't remember it ever happening again, and I am regretful of that.
I have always had close male friends and it wasn't until later on in college that it even occurred to me that it wouldn't always be ok with boyfriends for me to have close male friends with unique connections.
I believe that people are in your life for a reason, female or male, and they are there for a purpose, and the purpose for each person and for each moment/season is different. Looking back on my college days now, I wish I had held steady with who I was and what was important, and kept those connections, male and female that served such an important and special purpose.
Dustin, when we reconnected last week about music, it was like the piece of a puzzle, and I am, and always have been, so grateful for you. My whole family is grateful for you. Last week, you gave me back a piece of what I lost not only as a teenager, but of what I lost 10 years ago.
Mike, you are the ONLY constant that I have had in my life who connected with me about music. Who listened to what I said, and got it even when my words weren't clear, and who understood me on a level no one else ever has. You got me. We were an odd match, but goodness my friend, you can not be replaced. What was funny to me a few days ago, when I was talking with Dustin about music, was remembering a conversation we had about him 12-13 years ago. I don't remember how he came up, but he did, and you said to me, "he's not for real, you know that, right? There is no way anyone can be that nice." He said it with a smile, with respect, and disbelief, and love, but covered with the cloak he always wore. You know? That cloak to cover up who you want to be but are just too fucking scared to be?
My friend, today it is your birthday. Today I got a message from a friend who is basically my soul sister. Another friendship sent from the stars and just meant to be. She has NEVER sent me music before and today she sent me 3 songs, with a sidenote of hoping it wasn't weird that she sent me music!
Friend, I have never been one for signs sent from above. It's just not my thing, but this is an overwhelming amount of music sent my way this week, and I can't help but think you are doing a bit of work up there to heal. And friend, if healing is done through words that fuel my soul and tears that mend my heart, then that is what you are doing, and I feel you. You've woken up a part of me in these last couple of weeks that hasn't been shared with anyone in far too long. It's hard to be someone but not to be that someone on every day of your life with every fibre of your being - I know we shared that struggle.
Friend, I will miss you for every day of my life, but I feel like you have done a thing this week to tattoo yourself on me...I won't go unnoticed friend, I won't hide inside.
Loving you for all the days.
I forgot it was your birthday today, and it has been a shit week. Just shit. And I think the last time I talked to you about a shit week at work, you threatened/promised to show up at my class's field trip in a speedo, and there was my bit of light in the dark. I mean, gross light; but light nonetheless.
It has been a bit dark this week. I have been a bit dark. Lots on my heart, lots on my mind, and I'm a bit cloudy on the root.
Last week I discovered an artist who I can only imagine you knew already but never shared with me. And this friend/family of mine, who is more special than he could know shared some of his music with me, and we began to talk about music, which has not been part of our relationship, until I re-remembered a moment from my childhood. I was likely 12 or so, and he was my neighbour, and his family is my family, and I was over at his house. Somehow we shared this moment, as kids, where we were listening to Tracy Chapman and breaking down a song; I think it was Fast Car, and I remember knowing in that moment that what was happening was special, but I don't remember it ever happening again, and I am regretful of that.
I have always had close male friends and it wasn't until later on in college that it even occurred to me that it wouldn't always be ok with boyfriends for me to have close male friends with unique connections.
I believe that people are in your life for a reason, female or male, and they are there for a purpose, and the purpose for each person and for each moment/season is different. Looking back on my college days now, I wish I had held steady with who I was and what was important, and kept those connections, male and female that served such an important and special purpose.
Dustin, when we reconnected last week about music, it was like the piece of a puzzle, and I am, and always have been, so grateful for you. My whole family is grateful for you. Last week, you gave me back a piece of what I lost not only as a teenager, but of what I lost 10 years ago.
Mike, you are the ONLY constant that I have had in my life who connected with me about music. Who listened to what I said, and got it even when my words weren't clear, and who understood me on a level no one else ever has. You got me. We were an odd match, but goodness my friend, you can not be replaced. What was funny to me a few days ago, when I was talking with Dustin about music, was remembering a conversation we had about him 12-13 years ago. I don't remember how he came up, but he did, and you said to me, "he's not for real, you know that, right? There is no way anyone can be that nice." He said it with a smile, with respect, and disbelief, and love, but covered with the cloak he always wore. You know? That cloak to cover up who you want to be but are just too fucking scared to be?
My friend, today it is your birthday. Today I got a message from a friend who is basically my soul sister. Another friendship sent from the stars and just meant to be. She has NEVER sent me music before and today she sent me 3 songs, with a sidenote of hoping it wasn't weird that she sent me music!
Friend, I have never been one for signs sent from above. It's just not my thing, but this is an overwhelming amount of music sent my way this week, and I can't help but think you are doing a bit of work up there to heal. And friend, if healing is done through words that fuel my soul and tears that mend my heart, then that is what you are doing, and I feel you. You've woken up a part of me in these last couple of weeks that hasn't been shared with anyone in far too long. It's hard to be someone but not to be that someone on every day of your life with every fibre of your being - I know we shared that struggle.
Friend, I will miss you for every day of my life, but I feel like you have done a thing this week to tattoo yourself on me...I won't go unnoticed friend, I won't hide inside.
Loving you for all the days.
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