Finding Peace

An old friend of mine passed away tragically on Sunday night. Skye and his wife Courtney were in a car accident and both of them, and their 8 month along, soon-to-be baby, were killed. A whole family, gone. It had not occurred to me the impact that Skye had had on my life until it was too late, as is often the case. But I am usually so aware of loss, and of telling the people you love and care about just how special they are to me, and just how they have changed me -or at least I thought I was until Skye passed away. Now I will grieve for him, and for the lost words. We first crossed paths with Skye in high school, he played basketball for Clearwater, perhaps we saw  him at Provincials, I can't quite remember where, but I remember him so clearly. He was certainly a person who would have caught our eyes because he was such a handsome guy ("hot" would have been the word we would have used back then),  but that was just the first impression, the second was from watching h...

As I sit down to write, the two things that I love the most are embracing eachother and in a deep sleep on the couch, after a long day of being a baby and a long day at work. Ava's Daddy had his first day back to work today after two wonderful weeks off, spent with Ava and I. It was a big source of stress for me in the last few days, even thinking of spending a day as a Mom, without Brady. But Miss Ava took it fairly "easy" on me today! Brady got home from work today and could not wait to just scoop up his baby girl and get in all of the loving that he missed during the day - the two of them got straight to snuggling. He missed his daughter today, and as those words came out of his mouth, they sounded a little funny. The word "daughter" came out of my mouth yesterday too and sounded just as strange, and evoked a whole host of emotions.  I felt proud, scared, emotional, and excited, all in that fleeting second, and I imagine that I  am now going to feel that...

Dear Baby, Your cousin arrived into this world 8 days ago. Austen Robinson Watts, he is a wee little man and made his Mama and Papa wait 50 long hours before blessing them with his presence. You won't make us wait that long, will you? My thought is that you and your cousin are going to be VERY close, because we couldn't have it another way, could we? My next thought is that by me spending as MUCH time as I can with Austen right now, while we wait for you to arrive, you will get so excited that you will just want to meet him already. Today Austen had a cozy nap on my belly for about 45 minutes, you kept giving him little kicks and he would show me the Elvis lip, like he noticed, but he knows what is going on, and he can be patient with you, because he will get to meet you soon enough. Your Uncle Derran is looking forward to the day when we can lay you and your cousin Austen in the crib together. I wonder if you will soothe eachother and you will nap together, or if being in...

I finally had a bit of an emotional melt yesterday, and being that I am a fairly emotional person at the best of times, I am certainly grateful that I managed to make it to less than 6 weeks before my due date, but we all knew it had to happen! What was the root of it? Who knows? Vancouver traffic? That was definitely my starting off point, as it has been many times throughout this ridiculous Hope to Burnaby commute I have been doing for far too many years! Whatever it was, the last conversation as we laid in bed talking last night was the pending complete change of lifestyle, and of our relationship, that is set to take place in about 6 weeks. It hadn't been something that I had consciously thought about at all, but ended up being the last words spoken before I closed my teary eyes and drifted off last night. A good friend of mine celebrated her 9th anniversary a couple of days ago. I couldn't believe it had been 9 years since we stood beside her and watched her marry her...

Our situation, at the time being, is not ideal. Living in Chilliwack, driving back and forth to Burnaby for doctors appointments and prenatal classes, early mornings to drive back to Hope to teach Kindergarten! None of it ideal, but this girl could not be happier. Yesterday was our Kindies first full day at school, thrown in with the Grade 1's, with a new adult who tells them what to do all day long, their first time in school with other kids, their first time walking down the hallway, and having gym, and eating snacks, and playing at the park together. SO many firsts! They were SO excited, all day long, and it was so amazing to be a part of it. On our first trip down the hallway to the gym, a couple of the 1's started running, and naturally, a few of the K's took the cue and started running. We got to the gym, lined back up, walked back to class to try this walking down the hallway business all over again, and they couldn't have been happier. " We get to practic...

Almost exactly 20 years ago the boy that I would have a crush on, the man that I would fall in love with, and my future husband moved into my small town and became friends with my good friend and neighbour Brook. Nearly 19 years ago, I would move up to the high school and see this tall, lanky, cute boy on a regular basis and we would kind of become friends, you know the kind, friends through friends, so you could all just BE friends! 18 years ago, this tall, lanky, cute boy would move away, as I was getting ready to go into 8th grade, and this would be the time that I would decide to notice how cute he is and how good he is at basketball and just how cool he really is. This would also be the year that I learned how to flirt a little bit so that when he came back into town to visit Brook and Curtis, I would let him give me the first kiss of my life on my parents front porch. For the next few years of high school, his name, Brady Janzen, woul...

When I wrote about my mind being able to rest (rather, of it's inability to rest) yesterday, there were other things on my mind, but I thought that maybe they didn't matter so much anymore, but they do. Currently, it is on a daily basis that I tell myself that "it" just doesn't matter anymore, that there is no use wasting energy on it, emotion on it, effort on it, that it just doesn't matter anymore. How many times do you think a person would have to repeat that to themselves before they should be able to believe it? Isn't that how it is supposed to work? That you can make things BE with the way that you think about them, or with reminders to yourself, that you should be able to have the power to control the things that take over your mind? It isn't so, as much as I wish for it to be so. Currently, it is on a daily basis that I check the mail thinking that this time there has to be something from them in there. That they have had enough time t...

To answer that question, the mind in question is mine, and no, it does not rest. Ever. I don't always consider it a bad thing, in fact I don't usually, but as I logged on here to write, write, write, I am having trouble narrowing it down to what I actually to want to write about. I just needed to write. Over the last few weeks there have been things that I have thought in depth about, but didn't really think they warranted a blog post. Look at me, trying categorize me own thoughts as worthy, or unworthy! We had our 20 week ultrasound a week and half or so ago, and that was very exciting, so exciting to be able to see the nose and the lips in such detail! We decided to not find out the sex, and that has brought forth a lot of "what ifs." Oooooh, if it's a girl, then......or Oh man, it would be so fun to have a boy to do this with... I have been wondering what I would do with a teenage girl who came to her Mom in love with a man just like her Daddy. What woul...

Sitting on the Dock of the Bay - Otis Redding We had scheduled this weekend months in advance, and crossed our fingers that the weather would hold up for us, and boy did it ever! I know that I have written about the cabin before, as it is a place we spent much of our childhood exploring, with our family, with our cousins, aunts, and uncles, and Nanny and Papa. It is special, and I have so many memories there. It is so much of who I am, and so much of who my husband and I have become together. It is where Brady proposed to me, because without the use of words, he understands its importance, in both my past, and my future. Even though Brady and I only started using the cabin together a few years ago, he was the first boyfriend that I ever took there, and he instantly adored it, as I knew that he would - and even though it is a relatively new part of our relationship, I feel like it is a place that says who much about who we are as a couple, and who we plan to be as a famil...

This weekend I participated in a walk for depression and mental illness, a walk to mostly raise awareness, but also to raise funds for such an important cause. This was the first year the walk had been done in Agassiz, and the first of many years that I will participate. Next year I will do a much better job of fundraising. This year I only sent emails and posted on facebook. I was so lucky to have 3 people (2 family, one family friend) donate to the cause, but as happy as I was that these three people were willing to help out, I couldn't help but think that for the three years that I did the Weekend to End Women's Cancers, I was able to raise over $2000 each year, and this year I raised $125 for depression and mental illness. As I said, I did not do my share of fundraising events, but it also says a lot about what this illness means to the majority of the people - or more, that it doesn't really mean much to most people, and I guess it wouldn't, until it is a huge part...

  I Wished on the Moon - Billie Holiday I tried to begin this post today with a mindless show, that I love, on in the background. It couldn't be done. I had to turn the t.v. off, turn itunes on, and scroll through the music to find just the kind before I began to "write." I ended up with Billie Holiday (link above.)  I think that is one of the great things about blogging. It takes you out of your world, out of the mindless and into your own mind for at least a few minutes in the day, and that doesn't happen enough these days! This song is actually quite perfect, a well as a dozen others that I could have chosen. It is quite an amazing time these days. On May 5th Brady and I went for our "dating" ultrasound, we were just past the first trimester so were pretty excited to see how photogenic our little critter was becoming! It turns out that he/she is currently a little bit of extraterrestrial mixed with a little bit of frog - and his/her parents couldn...

The Story- Brandi Carlile My best friend sent me this song a couple of weeks after her brother, my good friend, committed suicide - because she felt like it was the perfect song for his and I's relationship. She never explained why she felt like it was such a fitting song for Mike and I, but sometimes you don't even know, you just hear a song, the lyrics, the music, the power, and it is just meant for you, or for someone else. Maybe that is it. Maybe she knew the depth of her brother and I's friendship more than I knew she did- maybe she knew me better than I had even thought, and she thought that this was how I feel? I am not sure. I will never know, and will probably never ask, because lyrics are often meant to say things to people that we can't say ourselves. I didn't know this side of Jen until after Mike left. We sent a few songs back and forth to eachother, not many, because that is never the point, but we sent the ones that we happened to hear, and th...

It is simply unfair the pain and struggle that some people must endure in their lives. A friend from highschool passed away suddenly and tragically on Wednesday. We did not stay close after highschool, after he moved away, got married very young, and started a family. Thankfully, facebook allowed us to reconnect several years ago. Sadly, Darren's story is too similar to Mike's story. They both married fairly young (Darren, quite young), they both struggled in their marriages, with their illnesses and to feel free and comfortable to be just who they were, and to be accepted being just who they were. They both had children - Darren had two little boys, Owen and Max, and Mike had sweet Hannah. They both struggled with mental illness and were finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. They were both married to women who struggled to deal with all that bipolar entails, and struggled with how to handle the behaviours themselves, and how to keep their children safe. But of all of the ...

** Drve across Canada on a motorcycle. ** Camp on a beach. ** Travel around the Greek Islands. ** Volunteer in Cambodia.

 I have never been one for anniversaries, let alone anniversaries of bad things. I just can't bring myself to try and focus on bad things, but sometimes they just can't be avoided. No matter how much I will try to spin the good, the day will come once a year, when I will try to let it slide but just can't. I will try to think of you as little as I can on February 25th, because on that day, the memories rushing forward will be ones that haunt me, so I will think of you today. Today is the last time we spoke, two years ago. Two years. It is so hard to believe. Although the chat wasn't what I would wish to hear from you, and your voice wasn't as it had been in years past, it was your voice, and I know I will never forget it. Two years ago today you asked for help from me, and after two years of nothing but time to think about you- and that day, I know that I did what I could for you. It may never seem like enough, and it may never seem like I showered enough love on...

I LOVE Ellen, there is no other word to describe my little "relationship" with this talk show host other than LOVE! Ellen is never scared to talk about the things that many people are scared to talk about. I am not sure if the root of her bravery is in her sexual orientation, and the fact that she did not take the easy road, but she took the only road that she knew to take. And I ADORE that in her. She talks about bullying, she pays attention to "regular" people doing extraordinary things, she helps those in need, she fights for what she believes in. This post has gotten a little off track and has turned into a bit of a love-fest for Ellen, which is not what it was intended to be, but I think she deserves the love! Last week, Ellen had a guest on her show, Kristen Bell. An actress who I know next to nothing about, except that she has been in a couple of movies that I like. Anyways, while on the show, she told a story about her boyfriend surprising her on her bir...

This is going to be such a brief post, more of a drive-by rant, if you will. Whitney Houston died suddenly on Saturday. Her music has been in high rotation on my playlists for years, I can possibly even say close to two decades. I was shocked, and saddened by her death, which also led to disappointment.  I consider myself to be a very compassionate person, I feel the pain of others, and when someone dies, my heart aches for their families and for their loved ones. Whitney Houston had a tumultuous life, to say the least .She struggled with addiction, with abuse, and probably with a host of other things that the majority of us can not even begin to understand. After her death, just like after the deaths of other celebrities like Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse, I am always so disgusted by the lack of compassion for others. One friend of mine posted on facebook, hours after we found out that she had died, that she does not understand how people can be shocked and sadenned when a dr...

http://www.tsn.ca/shows/otr/ I get tears in my eyes... No, not true, I have tears running down my face every time that I hear Michael Landsberg talk about depression and Mental Illness. I have tears because I am SO proud that someone in the public eye is so motivated to make a difference. That he recognizes that he is someone who has a platform to make a difference, so he does. Simple as that. I have tears in my eyes, because in the last year and a half or so, depression and mental illness is so much more talked about than in the past, and it inspires me. I have tears in my eyes, because I lost someone to mental illness just about two years ago and there is not ONE day that goes by that I do not think of him and wish for things to have been different. I wish that he had felt that he could talk to more people about what he was going through, rather suffering in relative silence, but that is not his fault, that is society's fault for feeling so damn uncomfortable to talk about thin...

Canadian skiier Sarah Burke died tragically on January 19th. She had an accident training for the half pipe, on January 10th and severed an artery going to her brain. She was placed in a coma for 9 days, but suffered too much irreversible brain damage to survive. I must admit that I had heard of Sarah Burke and knew who she was, but never really followed her, or her husband Rory Bushfield's careers. She lives in Squamish, and when something like this happens to someone your age, so close to where you live, you can't help but pay attention. But this death has shaken me more than I would have ever expected. I have watched videos, read articles, and done so much research since her passing. I am truly, truly shaken, and a bit terrified. What she does is dangerous, and there are extreme risks involved. Risks that her and her family knew, but when you love something, you just take that risk. In one video of her and her husband, they say that the mountain is where they met, it's...