My sweet, sensitive Ava
My darling girl, I write this tonight with tears in my eyes, because I can do nothing to protect you from this circle of life and the heartache it will inevitably/already has caused.
You are a sweet, sensitive soul, and like your Mama you feel things hard. You are off the wall happy, filled with joy and you are down in the dumps sad, usually with no middle ground. Darling girl, it's a difficult path to navigate, but baby, no one will ever wonder how you are feeling or where they stand with you.
Tonight at bedtime, you lay wrapped in your crocheted blanket that Great Nanny made for you - it hasn't left your bed since we lost her a few weeks ago. You told me that you wished that Layla had gotten a blanket from Great Nanny (because that is just who you are, to wish sweet things onto other people), and I told you that I wished that too.
Then you told me that pretty soon we were going to have 3 crying kids, and when I asked you to explain, you said that when we go to the Island to celebrate Great Nanny that all 3 of you would be crying. I said that you might be, and that would be ok, but I also told you that you might be the only one of the 3 that are sad because you were the oldest and you knew her the best. That made you sad, and I'm sorry that I said words that made you sad. You said that it wasn't fair that you would be sad and they wouldn't, and I agreed with you, but then I told you that you were SO very lucky to have filled Nanny with so much happiness, and to have had her fill you with such happiness, and that it is the happiness that is now making you sad, because you miss it.
I told you that the happiness of a Great Nanny is a lucky thing that not everybody gets to have, but you did. And as much as it stinks that you will feel sad sometimes, it is also pretty neat that you could also love her and miss her and still go to school and have fun, and go swimming and to Sparks and to still have fun.
And that made you cry more. "Mommy, it's always at nighttime that I'm sad. When I'm at school and swimming and at Sparks I don't have time to be sad, and I do have time at nighttime, so I'm always sad in the night." Darling girl, I didn't know what to say to that, because you know what, I'm always sad in the night right now too, and all that I could tell you was that the sad wouldn't always show itself in tears, sometimes it would show itself in quiet smiles or great giggles, because the memories of a really special love can do that - they can all of the sudden make you laugh or smile to yourself, and no one else will know what is happening to you, and that's a pretty special secret.
Sweet baby, it is a blessing and a curse to love like you do, but you fill me with so much love and pride, darling girl. I am so blessed that you are mine.
You are a sweet, sensitive soul, and like your Mama you feel things hard. You are off the wall happy, filled with joy and you are down in the dumps sad, usually with no middle ground. Darling girl, it's a difficult path to navigate, but baby, no one will ever wonder how you are feeling or where they stand with you.
Tonight at bedtime, you lay wrapped in your crocheted blanket that Great Nanny made for you - it hasn't left your bed since we lost her a few weeks ago. You told me that you wished that Layla had gotten a blanket from Great Nanny (because that is just who you are, to wish sweet things onto other people), and I told you that I wished that too.
Then you told me that pretty soon we were going to have 3 crying kids, and when I asked you to explain, you said that when we go to the Island to celebrate Great Nanny that all 3 of you would be crying. I said that you might be, and that would be ok, but I also told you that you might be the only one of the 3 that are sad because you were the oldest and you knew her the best. That made you sad, and I'm sorry that I said words that made you sad. You said that it wasn't fair that you would be sad and they wouldn't, and I agreed with you, but then I told you that you were SO very lucky to have filled Nanny with so much happiness, and to have had her fill you with such happiness, and that it is the happiness that is now making you sad, because you miss it.
I told you that the happiness of a Great Nanny is a lucky thing that not everybody gets to have, but you did. And as much as it stinks that you will feel sad sometimes, it is also pretty neat that you could also love her and miss her and still go to school and have fun, and go swimming and to Sparks and to still have fun.
And that made you cry more. "Mommy, it's always at nighttime that I'm sad. When I'm at school and swimming and at Sparks I don't have time to be sad, and I do have time at nighttime, so I'm always sad in the night." Darling girl, I didn't know what to say to that, because you know what, I'm always sad in the night right now too, and all that I could tell you was that the sad wouldn't always show itself in tears, sometimes it would show itself in quiet smiles or great giggles, because the memories of a really special love can do that - they can all of the sudden make you laugh or smile to yourself, and no one else will know what is happening to you, and that's a pretty special secret.
Sweet baby, it is a blessing and a curse to love like you do, but you fill me with so much love and pride, darling girl. I am so blessed that you are mine.
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