Finding Peace

My Dear Sweet Nanny, you left us on Friday, May 17th, 2019, and I am doing my best to hold it together, like you always did, but I am not sure I and doing it quite as well as you. I don't have that "Watson" gene where we hold it together, feel it on the inside but never let it out. I am my Mom on this one, and that's ok. I have never been more thankful for my three darling babies who bring me the greatest joy of my life and force me to move on with things, but also I have never been more thankful for a husband who walks in the door at the end of the day, takes care of our kids and lets me fall to pieces for a moment. Dear Nanny, today has been an interesting, ridiculously hard, and emotional day, as have the days before, but today was different. Today an irrational sadness has settled in surrounding all of the things that will no longer be. Today I am picturing you and Papa standing beside our car, waving goodbye until our car was out of sight, as we sat...

Sweet darling girl, you are 11 months old and you are a GIFT. This week Mama is getting ready to go back to work for the end of the school year and we are preparing ourselves to potentially see a side of you that we have not seen before. You have been struggling to get to sleep this week, and to be in anyone's arms but mine. Last night we put our patience to the test and tried to let you sort yourself out and fall asleep on your own, like you have always done in the past, but it wasn't happening for you. When Mommy finally when in and picked you up, you were sad. You were taking deep breaths trying to catch your breath, you had my shirt in your fist and your arms wrapped around me as tight as could be, and I didn't want to let you go. As I rocked you and rocked you, listening to your breath grow deeper and your body grow heavier, I was certain you were asleep. When I placed my lips on your forehead to give you a kiss, I saw that you weren't sleeping, in fact your ey...

My sweet darlings are just that, and more. They are sweet, they are sensitive, they are kind (usually), they are hilarious, observant, adventurous, and maybe, just maybe they are sometimes wild. I don't shy away away from taking my kids places because there are 3 of them and one of me (when my husband is at work), because what fun would that be, having to always wait for Daddy to be home to do fun things away from our house? I am not sure if it is that the weather is nicer and we are out more, but it has overwhelmed me over the last month the number of times people have commented on how many kids I have. Is 3 a lot? Apparently. People say things without thinking, everyone does it, and it doesn't usually bother me, but something has shifted. I don't know if I am just now starting to notice how often people say it, or if they are actually saying it more. Over Spring Break my husband didn't have much holiday time, so we did a lot of adventuring without him, including a...

Sweet darling, you are changing soooooooo fast!! You are a JOY to my life, a joy like I knew you would be. You are joy to all of us, Layla. Sweet baby,  you are become less quiet as each day passes. You adore your brother and sister, and your arms flail as if coming loose from your body every time Ava or Riley walk into the room. They yell at you, and you yell back, and although many would be surprised, I am confident you now have the loudest scream of us all. You perfected your wave a few weeks ago, a side to side whole hand motion that was one of the most adorable things I thought I had seen; that is, until it changed to a wiggly finger wave, mostly at yourself, so that you could watch in amazement at what those little digits were doing! You are so proud when you wave, and seem to have learned what "hi" means, and that when you hear it, you should wiggle those little things on your hand. You have also perfected the shy snuggle. It is my current favourite I think. Y...

When we were younger, my twin sister always knew she wanted to play basketball at UBC when she graduated high school...thank you Mom and Dad for always taking us to UBC games as kids! And she did it, she played at UBC and was a star. She always knew she wanted to play for the National Team, and she did it. She has always wanted to coach the National Team, and I believe she will, maybe after she coaches at UBC? Who knows? I bet she does. ** This just in, just got an email from her that she got a job with the Canadian Development Team that will go to Italy in July, good grief. She always knew. She always knew what she wanted and she always worked hard to get it. She woke up in the mornings before school to practice at the gym with our Dad, when aaaaallll I wanted in the WORLD was to sleep for just a few more minutes. When I was younger, I always dreamed of being a Mom. My Mom was the best one. I don't remember our attitudes ever phasing her, our constant demands overwhelming her,...